Setting Boundaries: How to Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

Everyone talks about boundaries: setting them, respecting them, and strengthening them. But what they rarely talk about is how uncomfortable it is to set boundaries with others.

If you've ever tried to create boundaries with friends, family, or coworkers, you know the feeling I'm talking about. That sickly, guilty feeling like you've disappointed them, or maybe even yourself. It can be overwhelming.

Guilty feelings are one of the biggest obstacles to setting boundaries. But are you really doing something wrong?

NO, you are not! Self-preservation is never wrong.

So exactly how can you get past those feelings to make much-needed changes in your life?

If you are struggling with this question, this post is for you. We'll discuss why we have those uncomfortable feelings and what to do about them. And we'll provide you with tips on how to practice getting comfortable with boundary setting. Before long, you'll be well on your way to creating healthy boundaries and finding more peace in your life.

What is boundary setting?

Boundaries are not meant to block or push people away. It is telling the truth about how we feel, what we need, our values, and preferences. Boundaries are what makes you, YOU.

When we set boundaries, we let people know how we want to be treated. They help us define limitations, responsibilities, and expectations for ourselves and others.

They aren't static and can change from situation to situation, person to person. But what is essential for any boundary you create is that it is healthy for you and protects your well-being.

Where you set boundaries in your life depends on you and your relationships. Boundaries you have with your mother-in-law may differ from those you have with your boss or your best friend. You're the one who decides whether you need them and, if so, what type of boundaries you want to implement. Psych Central outlines 7 common types of boundaries that we may wish to establish in our lives. They include:

· Physical boundaries

· Sexual boundaries

· Emotional or mental boundaries

· Spiritual or religious boundaries

· Financial and material boundaries

· Time boundaries

· Non-negotiable boundaries

How do you know when you need to set boundaries?

Some sure signs that you need to create boundaries with others in your life include feeling taken advantage of, resentful, burnt-out, frustrated, angry, or fatigued. Let your feelings and body be your guide.

You may not need any boundaries in one area of your life, or you may need strict limitations in another. Where you set boundaries is entirely up to you.

That uncomfortable feeling

Have you already tried to set boundaries with someone only to backpedal when you were face-to-face with them?

You didn't think it would be easy, but you didn’t know exactly how uncomfortable you would feel in the moment. Or maybe you pulled it off but felt terrible for days after. It's common for these feelings to override our best intentions. But there's no way to get around them. Part of setting boundaries is to realize that things will be uncomfortable. At least, in the beginning.

But where do those feelings come from?

Whether it's our upbringing or our own personal beliefs, at some point, we create a framework or internal line of what we think is acceptable.

As soon as we cross that line, it triggers guilty feelings. These feelings prevent us from making and adhering to boundaries. Take, for instance, saying "no." In your mind, you have created a line where you believe saying no will disappoint people. And as soon as you say no, guilt sets in because you've crossed that line with yourself. You think you've done something wrong.

Feeling uncomfortable is normal

Boundary setting feels uncomfortable because you're doing something new. You're stretching your beliefs. Being outside of your comfort zone can feel foreign, like exercising for the first time. You feel awkward and out-of-sync. But the more you exercise, the more you get used to it. The more you become comfortable.

When it comes to boundary-setting, we shouldn't use that uncomfortable feeling to gauge whether we're doing something wrong. All new things feel uncomfortable until we practice them regularly.

The real measuring stick is what you believe about a situation. Check-in with yourself and ask yourself these critical questions about your relationships:

Is this situation draining my happiness?
Does this support me?
Is this causing me to have inner struggles?
Does it feel like an obligation?
Is it taking away from what I really want to do?

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you know those situations are not serving you. It's time to make a change and move forward by establishing boundaries. Also, understand that you're not doing anything wrong. The situation is affecting your well-being, so it has to change.

Boundary setting is not about saying "no." It's about saying "yes."

Does it sound confusing to hear boundary setting isn't all about saying "no"? Well, it's true. What you're actually saying when you create healthy boundaries is "yes". Yes to yourself. Yes to:

Your happiness
Preserving your energy
Honouring your inner peace
Reuniting with what feels good
Reconnecting to self

From this point of view, we see that establishing clear boundaries is the ultimate self-care practice.

3 tips to help you get comfortable with setting boundaries

Like climbing a ladder, you'll want to get comfortable setting boundaries at the lowest rung and work your way up. You'll feel more secure, safe, and capable as you make your way up, gaining confidence as you go. Practice makes perfect, as “they” say. And the more you practice boundary setting, the more comfortable you will become.

Here's how you can start.

1. Get prepared. You're about to embark on something new, and it's going to feel uncomfortable. And that's okay.

Remember, you’re crossing an internal line of what you've set for yourself. But now you know that line is no longer helpful for you. You will need to cross that line to take back control and find your happiness.

2. Start small. Before you set boundaries with others, start with yourself. Think about what you're exposing yourself to and how you're spending your time. Are those interactions helpful or hurtful? Take notice of whether those activities trigger feelings of unworthiness, comparison, or sadness.

Some examples of triggering activities may be scrolling social media, checking your phone, watching the news. Let's say you're used to checking your phone first thing in the morning, but it leaves you feeling anxious or unhappy. Change things up by creating a healthy boundary where you no longer perform that action as soon as you wake up. Instead, try something positive like meditation, affirmations, stretching, whatever makes you feel good.

Remind yourself that you are in control of what you're letting in and what you're letting out. When you gain more control in your own world, with yourself, you build confidence.

3. Determine where else you can implement boundaries. Once you feel positive about the small changes you've made in your life, you'll be wondering where else can you lighten your load.

Pick one thing where you would like to set a boundary. Maybe it's a tough conversation you wanted to have with a family member, or perhaps it's deciding not to pick up the phone when a draining friend calls.

Check-in with yourself. Pay attention to the thoughts that come into your mind. Ask yourself if those thoughts serve you or are still true.

Now that you're feeling more confident, here's a quick guide on how to approach those boundary-setting conversations.

You deserve more

Don't be afraid to set the boundaries that you need in your life. Yes, it will be a little uncomfortable at first. But remember, great things happen when we step out of our comfort zones. Setting healthy boundaries is just one of them.

If you find interactions are affecting your happiness, energy, and enjoyment of life, not only is it okay to want to change that dynamic, it is necessary. The reward is a happier, more peaceful life, and isn't that something you deserve?

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